Turn Your Anger Into Positive Outcomes in Your Relationships

Do you wall up when angry? Do you "stew" on it, turning the thing over and over in your head, with the volcano inside building?

Or maybe your the kind of person who doesn't get angry - you can't remember a time when you felt truly, really angry, but you feel low a lot - down, low energy, flat, or even depressed.

Depression is anger we don't feel we have a right to express, or even feel to begin with.

If we don't feel like anger is allowed; if we have learned that anger is unacceptable, we are likely to keep it suppressed - as in it is likely you don't even know you are angry because it is so not allowed.

This keeps you in a double bind - in internal conflict with yourself - and it adds to not feeling acceptable or good enough because you aren't able to accept yourself because you've been taught that this completely natural and valid thing (that you indeed DO have and feel because you are human) isn't acceptable.

This can be so subconscious that you don't know it is happening, and that makes it very challenging to untangle yourself and get free of this bind.

Anger is the emotion that activates the body. When anger arises, it is usually due to a real or perceived boundary violation, and anger is our nervous system wanting to take action to secure our boundaries and safety.

But things aren't so simple in modern day life as they were when our nervous systems first started evolving these mechanisms.

It's usually not about defending ourselves from physical attack or not being eaten by a wild animal. In that case, the anger arises, the hormones and adrenaline get dumped, and we take immediate action. And that's it - either we are safe or we are dead.

As children we are socialized to be acceptable and nice.

And as adults, while it's important to be a functioning member of society, this can get us in trouble because we've misunderstood and gotten the idea that there is no place for anger and that anger isn't allowed, instead of the truth, that anger is an important, valid, and healthy emotion.

Here's the deal: your anger is like a fire - it can be used to keep you warm and cook your food, or, if you disrespect it or try to pretend it isn't there, it can burn your whole house down.

Your anger is a catalyst to create positive change in your life - here's how to harness it:

1. Acknowledge it, allow it, and honor it as valid. If you've been trained that anger is "bad" and unacceptable, it may take holding some big loving space for yourself to even get to the anger buried within, and when you get to it, you might find there's a lot there that has been waiting to be acknowledged. You can titrate it and work with it a little bit at a time. Know that doing this work is going to help your nervous system in monumental ways. Things like insomnia or other manifestations of chronic stress may simply begin resolving themselves. You can try journaling or even quick word association naming one thing on the surface then asking, "and what's beneath that," and writing down the first word that comes to mind until you reach the core of it. This takes under 5 minutes. Like if you shut down, you could write "shut down," or "tired" - just name the surface feeling. Then ask yourself what's under that, and write the next word that pops into your mind. Keep going until you reach the core of it - you'll know when you do.

2. Let it move (in a safe way). The anger - or any feeling - needs to be witnessed, validated, and presenced. Not by someone else - by you! Many times we know we are angry, we just aren't sure how to let it move. Sometimes it takes going round in circles, ruminating on something until you get to the release point. Journaling might help you get to a release point, or just giving yourself a starting point by saying out loud, "I'm really angry about XYZ." "This isn't okay with me." "I'm SO angry." There is a time and place for being able to say this directly to someone as something happens, but if you're new to this, this is about you and you. Practice allowing the anger and holding yourself with it and moving through it because otherwise you are likely to dump on another which will make them defensive and you won't get the results you want. You might need to write it out or say somethings out loud (to yourself). You might need to get physical - you can go for a run or do some exercise that makes you sweat, you can take a tennis racket to a cushion or beat on a pillow, you can scream into a pillow or go for a drive and scream. Let it move - whether it is through your voice or your physical body. You can also bring both arms above your head and then keeping arms extended hinge at hips and swing your arms down between your legs to touch the floor as you exhale "HA!". Do this several times to release anger in the body.

3. Once you've acknowledged/allowed/honored, then let the anger move through you, you're ready to take a look at how to create positive change. Was there a real or perceived boundary violation? Did you know you had a boundary before this or was this incident when you first became aware? Did you communicate a boundary you knew you had? Could it have been more clear? Was there a misunderstanding? How did this relate to some past trauma and trigger you - how much of your reaction was really about the present moment and how much of it was unhealed past coming up through a trigger? What action is this situation calling for? Is it better communication? Better boundaries? More self-assertion? What is the action you can take to create positive change?

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