Despite my best efforts, the dark cloud settled down over me, enveloping me. As it did, I had the distinct sensation of being disconnected, separated, and isolated. This wasn't a new feeling for me - the sense of isolation that sometimes came over me was like an age-old enemy.
I had awakened that morning with fresh determination, shoved down my feelings, tucked them safely away, cloaked myself in layers of optimism and positivity and bolted out the door to a morning yoga class. It was a fresh morning and the fall sun was shining. Everything should be good. Should be…
We moved through the poses and I noticed I had less energy than normal. I told myself it was OK, but inside I was not really OK with having less energy. I’m really never OK with what I feel is less than optimal performance. My self-critic is a harsh and driving, relentless force. I felt the dark cloud settle down over me as I followed the instructor’s voice. It seemed to grow more and more distant. I felt more and more cut off from the room, as if I was diving down into an invisible black hole. I moved each part of my body as instructed, feeling increasingly disconnected, and even more perplexed that I could not explain why.
We moved into pigeon. My tight right hip resisted against the stretch – the pose felt like it was tearing at my very foundation, at the only thing that might be holding me together. I paused for a moment, torso upright, and then came onto my elbows and leaned forward, bowing my head. As I did, I felt something rise up from deep within the core of my being and emerge up through my heart center, into my throat and face. Tears filled my eyes until they spilled silently out and ran down my cheeks. What WAS this? I could think of nothing that would explain to me why I was experiencing this.
We arrived at pigeon on the left side. Another wave of emotion rose up. I remembered starting to feel restless and frustrated the previous afternoon. I had attributed it to not being able to accomplish some tasks due to technological difficulties. But then I realized that the restlessness had come before the technological difficulties. My discomfort, my restlessness, my impatience had come first. So what was that about? We moved out of pigeon and into the next pose. My mind strained to find the answer, to solve the puzzle, as I half-heartedly moved through the sequence.
I had no choice but to accept what I was feeling, to be there with it. There was nowhere to go, nothing I could do to escape. After class, I walked home and then came across an article on the moon having moved into the sign of Scorpio the previous afternoon. The moon represents our emotions and our subconscious and moves quickly through the signs of the zodiac. The day before, it had moved into Scorpio, a sign known for being intimate with the sometimes unpleasantness of psychological depths. Scorpio is in a way about intimacy on a number of levels – coming to know ourselves by dredging our own deep subconscious waters, but also deep love, sex and soulmate energy are the domain of Scorpio. This is an area where we are encouraged to dive deep and not be afraid of what we might find hidden beneath the surface; because once we have acknowledged it then it no longer holds power over us.
Then I realized that all of my discomfort had come from my fear and self-doubt. What was it that I feared? It was judgement, but it was at its core the fear of not being good enough. There was no judgement from the outside that could ever compare to the harshness of my own inner critic. The afternoon before I had wanted to push to get my self-appointed to-do list done and had been unable to because of technical difficulties. My perception of judgement from the outside world was really only my judgement of myself. So because I wasn’t being loving, kind or accepting to myself, I judged myself which created feelings of discomfort, restlessness, and impatience as I tried to escape a situation I had created within myself.
And that is precisely how the moon in Scorpio can show us our shadows. We may project our shadows onto others and perceive things as happening to us; we may see behavior in others that brings up what we dislike about ourselves. Scorpio may bring awareness of judgement, jealousy and anger within ourselves, or highlight our relationship to those things in our lives. Whatever comes up, all you have to do is acknowledge it. Like a dark figure that’s chasing you in a nightmare, all you have to do is turn and face it. It wants you to see it. Only when you stop running and face that dark shadow will you get your power back.
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